I have some big news to share and I feel a bit vulnerable about going public with it, but here goes.

There’s been a big transformation in my family over the past several months. In October, my 13 year old came out as transgender. I had always known her as my son Aidan and I had never had an inkling that she might not actually be male, so this was a complete surprise to me. Though my head was spinning when I received this news, I told my child that I was proud of her for exploring her truth, that I would always love and accept her as who she is.

That was over five months ago now and so much has changed. I have watched in awe as my son Aidan transformed into my daughter Nadia. At first, she was just questioning her gender. This wasn’t something she had known or suspected about herself until about a year ago when she was learning about the transgender phenomena and she started to notice she had some of the common traits. It helped her look at herself in a new light and understand aspects of herself she had long been struggling with. After she came out to me and her Dad as questioning, she started trying out a feminine identity. The effect was mind-blowing! Suddenly, this child who has struggled so mightily to find peace in this life, became joyful, self-assured, empowered, and much more at peace in the world. She wakes up smiling, she goes to school smiling, and comes home smiling. Suddenly she understands herself in a new way and she’s no longer feels afraid to be who she is. Her courage, clarity, authenticity, and vulnerability are truly inspiring.

I feel blessed to be her mom and honored that she feels safe enough to share this transformation with me. I am also grateful for the support and validation she has been receiving from her sister, her grandparents, her aunt, her cousin, her school, my partner and his kids, many great friends, and our community in Long Beach. Nadia is here to bring light to the world in a big way and I will do everything I can to support and protect her.Please join me in celebrating this beautiful child as she blossoms into who she really is! She hasn’t wanted me to take a lot of pictures yet, but I like this one. 

Boy these are stressful times. Is it just me?

I’m still looking for work. (It’s super fun applying for minimum wage jobs at 40, btw). I had an interview last week for a residential counseling job that I really want and I feel like it went really well! I haven’t heard from them yet, but I’m hoping I will. (Help me visualize it please!)

My kids’ dad decided to decrease his child support payment without warning so things are tighter than ever. He thinks he’s in his rights to do so but I don’t think the court will agree. Still, it’s likely to take months to get through that process and I still have to make ends meet until then.

I’m still accepting clients but my practice really seems to want to hibernate right now. I love working with clients and I have been honored to support some amazing people through huge expansions through our work together over the past 6 years, so I know that I will continue to do sessions. Marketing is still a challenge for me though, so it may be a while until I can depend solely on my practice to support me.

I’ve registered with some stop-gap options like Postmates, Care.com, and Freelancer.com so hopefully some solutions are in the works. I’m also open to gigs and odd jobs in Long Beach. Hit me up if you have anything you need help with – child care, editing, spreadsheets, databases, home/office organization, filing, purging, housework, cleaning, or whatever. (Just no sales!)

I’m visualizing ease and abundance. I know that ultimately we are safe and supported and that we’ll get through this to safer waters. (Hopefully soon!)

And still, it’s scary. And somewhat demoralizing. So I’m holding myself through those feelings.

If these past months or weeks have been a rocky ride for you too, I’m sending you love. 2018 is no joke folks.

Whoo Hoo!! Thank you for all the affirmations, support, and magic! Huge shifts are happening in my world. I think I’m almost out of this particular storm.

Aidan’s situation at middle school was reaching a breaking point and finally his Dad has agreed to transfer him to an alternative charter school in Santa Ana! I have been trying to talk him into an alternative education for years!! I feel really good about the program  I found for Aidan and he’s actually excited about it too! Between his trauma wounds, his sound sensitivity, and his personality…he’s just not designed for the traditional approach to education.

And then my family court date was magically moved up to yesterday and things almost couldn’t have gone better. The judge we got is awesome – heart centered and clear. She was not interested in Nick’s silly accusations. She didn’t care about my cannabis use, even though the court investigators made a big deal about it in their report. She ordered no changes to custody. She said incredibly nice things about Aidan and endorsed the school I chose for him to transfer to. And she’s ordered both Nick and I to work with the kids’ therapists on how to help them heal, to seek individual therapy ourselves, and to take parenting classes through the court. I’m hoping that might help him start to find a better way to relate to the kids. Also, the judge waived the $1500 investigation fee for me and encouraged me to submit the forms to have child support re-assessed.

I feel transformed. Freed from a weight that’s been there so long I forgot I was carrying it. I’m not alone with his insanity anymore. He has nothing left to threaten me with. I can finally really advocate for my kids and get them what they need to fully heal and be joyful.

I still need to find a job, but I’ve been applying to lots and I have a feeling that is going to work out soon too!

It’s a whole new world. These last two months have been one of the hardest times I’ve gone through. Thank you for your support in shifting this. It’s huge for me!

And the hits just keep coming. 2018 is giving me lots of opportunities to practice staying connected to my truth and remember that I’m safe and loved, no matter what.

In the last 6 weeks, I’ve been dragged into family court for a sudden custody battle (still ongoing) for which I’m representing myself, I’ve received bills for court fees I still can’t pay, my case load for my healing practice dropped to zero so I have no income other than the meager child support I get, Brooke sprained her ankle and couldn’t walk for a week, Aidan is still struggling mightily with depression and PTSD, he got suspended from school for 5 days, and we’ve been advised to find an independent study program to move him to. So now I’m having to negotiate education options with the same crazy man I’m still defending myself against in court. And yesterday I lost my food stamps due to some administrative crap that’s going to take several weeks to correct, another big hit to my budget.

It’s been quite a challenge to navigate the fears, triggers, logistics, and overwhelm of all this. The scariest part is the money – I’m simply not bringing in enough to pay the bills and I already blew all my savings and credit while Brooke was sick. I know something will work out, because it always does, but the not knowing is sometimes terrifying. There’s also been a fair amount of judgement and unsolicited advice about my circumstances to contend with, which makes it harder to share and ask for support

I’m sure my spirit knows what she’s doing and there will be some great gifts to come from all of this. Even if it’s only to remember that I can get through anything!

I know I have a lot of magical friends out there. If inspired, please take a moment to send us love and prayers for peace, ease, and abundance! Help me call in a job or work I can do that fits into our lives logistically and pays enough to make ends meet!

I’ve been brought to my knees more than once in the last couple months – overwhelmed with the fear, anger, sadness, or self-doubt. I’ve beat myself up with thoughts and questions about what I’m doing wrong and why am I still manifesting such difficult challenges! But the fact is, it’s just life. And there are so many people in our country and in the world facing so much worse. And it’s not their fault either.I’m so grateful that I’m not alone with my challenges. I have a supportive, loving mom who’s always there for me and always believes in me. Magical friends who remind me who I am and how to return to my truth on hard days. And an incredibly wise, unwavering partner who’s here at my side, every single day, picking me up when I feel like I can’t go on, holding me when I need to cry, cheering me on when I spring into action, reminding my kids and I to laugh, contributing every spare cent he has, and loving me through all of it. This is the partner and partnership I’ve been waiting for and I know that together, we will get through this and build an easier, happy life for us and all four of our kids. 

Update and request for help!

Thank you to everyone who sent love, prayers, and support for my debut appearance in family court on Wednesday. It’s always been one of my worst fears, and facing it was really scary. Once I actually got there though, it wasn’t nearly as intimidating as it has been in my imagination. The process is far from over, but I’m feeling much better about it now. Thankfully we got a very reasonable, heart-centered judge. She denied the emergency request to take the kids away pending the hearing and she already dismissed some of the biggest accusations he’s making against me.

The kids’ Dad submitted a 3.5-inch stack of “evidence” to illustrate what an irresponsible mother I am. We didn’t get into it too much yet, but most of is pretty ridiculous. The judge is concerned about Aidan’s well being and said she wasn’t interested in the blame game until she understood why he’s in so much pain. She ordered a partial custody investigation which begins next week. Court social workers (not CPS) will be interviewing me, their Dad, our partners, the kids, and the kid’s teachers, doctors, and therapists. They’ll also conduct home visits. Then they’ll make a report to the judge and we’ll proceed from there. The next hearing is set for April.

I feel really good about how things are going so far and I’m much less scared of losing custody. However, the irrational, aggressive approach that their Dad is taking is pretty confounding and kinda scary, and I am seeing its effects on the kids too. At this point I’m actually feeling grateful that we’re in court. I honestly don’t know how to work with this man on anything when all he cares about is being right and being in control. I’m hopeful that the court will be able to help with that.

It’s an expensive process though and fees are already piling up. I need legal support. Thank you to everyone who has donated to my fundraiser already!!

It was four years ago today, September 9th, that we found out Brooke’s cancer had returned for a second round. (Round One began 8.5 years ago, in Feb, 2009.) What a crazy ride it’s been.

Now she’s completely healthy and back to the business of being an almost-ten-year-old. She blends right in with the other girls with her ponytail and her detailed knowledge of the latest Disney Channel shows….but I see her special magic. I know what she did. I watched her turn dark into light right in front of me, starting before she could even talk in full sentences! Over and over again day after day she found reasons to smile and ways to bring fun to everything. Beating cancer with her was kind of a blast, even though it was super tough too.

It’s amazing what we’re capable of when we believe in magic.

I read an article today about how most big lottery winners end up broke, lonely, depressed, or dead within five years.

Most of the people I’ve met who’ve faced cancer or another life altering disease, injury, or trauma have told me that it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to them. (Amazingly, even some people who’ve lost a love one have told me something along these lines).

I definitely feel that way about my own journey as a cancer mom. It was absolutely the hardest and most painful experience of my life, yet it also inspired so much growth, healing and expansion in me and my children. I feel like we know more about how to live now – we’re more present, more connected, more grateful, more compassionate, more in touch with our inherent strength and courage, more aware of the preciousness of each day, more aligned with our purpose, and more focused on what really matters. Best of all, we remember to ENJOY it! My days are most definitely happier than they were before cancer.

And yet pretty much everyone I know feels like they would rather win the lottery than face cancer. (Including me!)

It just goes to show you that we don’t know as much about what will really make us happy as we think we do. Sometimes your worst nightmare turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. And sometimes it’s the other way around – though I bet a lot of those stories eventually turn into triumphs too.

You know all those inspiring tales of the phoenix rising from the ashes of destruction? Well, they seem to really glaze over just how difficult that rebirth process actually is. I’ve found that there’s a lot more to it than just shaking off the dust and returning to life as it was before with a few new stories to share. In fact I’ve been having trouble writing or talking about any of lately, as I’ve been a little overwhelmed by the whole rebirthing process.

It’s been nearly three years now since Brooke’s leukemia came back and knocked my life off the rails again. And I have so much to be grateful for! Brooke’s treatments are finally behind us and she’s doing great. She completed her maintenance chemo protocol and has been off treatment for 5 months now. All tests show no sign of cancer and virtually no long term effects from the cancer or the treatment. Even though I’d envisioned it all along, it’s truly amazing to see her come through so unscathed for the second time! And her brother Aidan, who was pretty traumatized by his experience of Brooke’s relapse and had a lot of resulting difficulties with school and his own health during this time, has done so much healing over the past year to release and recover. Now both of them are happy, affectionate, enthusiastic about their interests, doing pretty well in school, have great friends, and are in great health. And they both have strength and wisdom far beyond their years. They are blossoming into truly remarkable people.

And I did it! I got us through this crazy journey with cancer. Twice. I’ve been truly transformed by my experiences over the past 7 years, and I am grateful for all the gifts this journey has brought me. I discovered a deep strength I didn’t know I had. I’ve learned so much about what really matters to me in life, how to stay present and experience joy, and how to be the mom I want to be. I’ve richly developed my own gifts as a coach and a healer, and I’ve learned to live my purpose authentically.

The gifts and blessings did not come easily, however. It was incredibly difficult. Even with my 15 years of training in mental health and various healing modalities, and all the experience I have helping clients through their own challenges, seeing my daughter through cancer twice was almost too much for me.

Relapse treatment was at least twice as intense as her initial treatment protocol 5 years earlier. For the first two years, every single day was hard. There was so much to do and manage. I watched both my children being traumatized and tried to do everything I could to limit their wounding and hold them through it. My heart broke. My body suffered. The details of life fell through the cracks all around me. I lost touch with friends and saw important connections fade. Everything I’d done to build my life coaching practice sat on the shelf gathering dust. The stress and fear consumed me and at times, I wondered if my sanity would survive intact.

When I was living in the hospital, I took it one day at a time, counting down the weeks of her treatment. I think a part of me thought that there was a point coming when we’d suddenly break through the tape, celebrate our victory, and get to collapse with relief back into “normal” life. I thought that when she finished her hospitalizations, or when she got to Maintenance, or when she went back to school, or when she finished her treatment…then everything would be ok again. I needed to believe that, and each milestone was indeed a victory to be celebrated. But each one was also followed by new challenges that had to be faced, and that ultimate relief I craved never seemed to come. In fact, in some ways as the kids got better, I got worse.

It seems that we had to take turns healing. Once Brooke made it through the toughest parts of her treatment and was back in school feeling good, Aidan was able to make more significant progress in his recovery. And once he got more stable, it was my turn to collapse. The more healing and balance I saw in my kids, the more my mama bear survival mode subsided. Although I felt relieved to let down the vigilance, I was surprised to discover how much all that survival energy had cost me. After two straight years of filling my blood stream with the adrenaline and cortisol it took to show up the way I did, my adrenals collapsed. I went through months of debilitating fatigue, brain fog, joint pain, back pain, digestive issues, and sleep troubles. And my psyche cracked too. All the difficult emotions that I didn’t have space to fully feel while we were in the trenches came in crushing, unrelenting waves that often felt like they would engulf me forever. I had bouts of grief, depression, rage, overwhelming anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, even glimpses of agoraphobia, and other PTSD symptoms.

And life didn’t stop just because I needed to heal. I still had to get up every day and take care of things. Make meals, do the dishes, the laundry, the shopping, the housework. Get the kids to and from school and doctor appointments, parent them, support them in getting caught up academically, and help them continue to heal and adjust to post-cancer life. I had to rebuild friendships and connections, re-ignite my coaching practice, and keep making ends meet. All while trying to restore my health and pick up the scattered pieces of my life, my home, and my psyche and rebuild them in some way that felt right.

I knew I could do it though. I knew I hadn’t come through all that to fall apart on the other side. I knew how to follow and support the natural healing process that was occurring within me. And I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Despite my meager and dwindling savings, I enlisted the support of several powerful healers. Week after week these healers helped me to give my body, my heart, and my mind what they needed to heal and align with my spirit. Day by day, I used my tools and practices to find balance and connect with the part of myself that is unscathed by these challenges, is always at peace, and always feels supported and safe. I loved myself through the waves of fear, sadness, and anger until I could come back to the joy that is right in front of me and all around me in my present moment. Right there alongside the dishes and the laundry and the bills.

Rising from the ashes is a challenging, painful, and ongoing process. Much slower and more gradual than I had imagined during sleepless nights on a stiff cot in a hospital room when I was dreaming of the finish line. Honoring my healing has been more like gradually emerging from a thick, heavy fog than running through the tape. Day by day, week by week, with frequent stumbling and setbacks. And it doesn’t ever really end. But it does keep getting better. My body is strong and balanced again, and the waves of difficult emotion are less frequent and don’t knock me down as often anymore. My days are filled with more ease and joy every month. I feel energized and inspired. I’m clear on what my next steps are and I feel empowered to take them.

There was so much about this entire journey that I wanted to share. So many deep experiences that have changed me forever. So many huge gifts, insights, and spiritual shifts. But I was too busy getting through it to write about it as much as I wanted to, or even to talk about it much. So much is still inside me, waiting to be expressed and shared. I am trying to trust the unfolding.

And a huge thank you to all my friends and family who were there for us through these challenging years. I am forever grateful for your love and support.

Coming back to the world and plugging in again in these times is interesting. I know that the best thing I can do in response to all the upsetting news I read is to embody love and hope and thoughts that feel good so that I can spread love and hope in all I do. But how do I find good feeling thoughts from here?

This is what I’ve come up with. The most positive story that I can tell myself about the state of things:

America is not well. As a nation, we are diseased. Thanks to the prevalence of smart phones, we now have better awareness of this than ever before. The hate and violence aren’t new, but the fact that everyone has video cameras in their pocket that broadcast out to the whole world in real time is new. So that’s a good thing! Diseases are much easier to treat once they’ve been thoroughly detected and examined.

I’m also glad that we are all affected so much by what we’re seeing. That even though violence keeps happening, we’re not getting desensitized, shrugging it off, or giving up. From what I can see and hear, we really care! We’re only becoming more and more clear and vocal that we do not want ANYONE to feel afraid to be who they are. We’re simply not going to stand for it.

This week there were millions and millions of peaceful interactions between Americans. So many times where people, no matter their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, views on gun control, or whether or not they work in law enforcement, interacted with each other without any violence at all. If you zoom out from the headlines and look at our country as a whole, there is so, so, soooooo much more light than darkness. So many people are living in peaceful corporation with each other in every single town. In fact it’s because we have such a widespread culture of peace and love and respect overall that we find these incidences of violence so upsetting and intolerable.

And still, we are very clear that this is not good enough. We want ALL people to experience the peace, love, respect, and justice they deserve. No exceptions. And that’s what this is really about. The reason the bad news is everywhere this week is because we will not tolerate it. We can’t stop talking about it. We want better.

And it is getting better. The people who are destined to heal us from the diseases of hate and fear that lead to violence, are right now being inspired to follow that destiny. And the leaders who will help us organize the healing, are also being called forward. It’s already happening, right now. We are healing…and all this chaos is evidence of that.

So yeah, I’m outraged too. But I’m determined to find ways to feel good and hopeful. Because it’s the only way I know now.

When I think of it this way, I feel better in my body and my heart. And that makes it a lot easier to be peaceful and loving in all my interactions. It also makes it easier to hear my own inspirations and the ways that I’m called to bring light to the world, and it gives me more energy to follow those inspirations. Which is good, because I can’t make much progress when I’m laying around depressed about how bad things are. Or when I’m burning up all my energy on outrage.

What we focus on expands. Let’s focus on love and hope and peace. Find a way to feel it in your heart, right now. Keep coming back to it no matter what happens.

Let’s love each other through this.

Tuesday was Brooke’s last appointment at the Outpatiant Infusion Center where we have spent so much time over the last 2.5 years. (Not to mention the 2.25 years when she was younger!)

It was an exciting day, full of lots of happy, tearful goodbyes to the amazing doctors and nurses that have seen us through all this, followed by a mega celebration!! Brooke wanted it to be just the 3 of us at home, so that’s what we did! With a movie, two kinds of pizza, a papa john’s brookie, ice cream, a dance party, party hats, noise makers, decorations, confetti, and glow sticks!!! Yeeeehaw!!

I am so proud of my girl! And my boy!! And myself!!! We did it!!!!