I read an article today about how most big lottery winners end up broke, lonely, depressed, or dead within five years.

Most of the people I’ve met who’ve faced cancer or another life altering disease, injury, or trauma have told me that it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to them. (Amazingly, even some people who’ve lost a love one have told me something along these lines).

I definitely feel that way about my own journey as a cancer mom. It was absolutely the hardest and most painful experience of my life, yet it also inspired so much growth, healing and expansion in me and my children. I feel like we know more about how to live now – we’re more present, more connected, more grateful, more compassionate, more in touch with our inherent strength and courage, more aware of the preciousness of each day, more aligned with our purpose, and more focused on what really matters. Best of all, we remember to ENJOY it! My days are most definitely happier than they were before cancer.

And yet pretty much everyone I know feels like they would rather win the lottery than face cancer. (Including me!)

It just goes to show you that we don’t know as much about what will really make us happy as we think we do. Sometimes your worst nightmare turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. And sometimes it’s the other way around – though I bet a lot of those stories eventually turn into triumphs too.

You know all those inspiring tales of the phoenix rising from the ashes of destruction? Well, they seem to really glaze over just how difficult that rebirth process actually is. I’ve found that there’s a lot more to it than just shaking off the dust and returning to life as it was before with a few new stories to share. In fact I’ve been having trouble writing or talking about any of lately, as I’ve been a little overwhelmed by the whole rebirthing process.

It’s been nearly three years now since Brooke’s leukemia came back and knocked my life off the rails again. And I have so much to be grateful for! Brooke’s treatments are finally behind us and she’s doing great. She completed her maintenance chemo protocol and has been off treatment for 5 months now. All tests show no sign of cancer and virtually no long term effects from the cancer or the treatment. Even though I’d envisioned it all along, it’s truly amazing to see her come through so unscathed for the second time! And her brother Aidan, who was pretty traumatized by his experience of Brooke’s relapse and had a lot of resulting difficulties with school and his own health during this time, has done so much healing over the past year to release and recover. Now both of them are happy, affectionate, enthusiastic about their interests, doing pretty well in school, have great friends, and are in great health. And they both have strength and wisdom far beyond their years. They are blossoming into truly remarkable people.

And I did it! I got us through this crazy journey with cancer. Twice. I’ve been truly transformed by my experiences over the past 7 years, and I am grateful for all the gifts this journey has brought me. I discovered a deep strength I didn’t know I had. I’ve learned so much about what really matters to me in life, how to stay present and experience joy, and how to be the mom I want to be. I’ve richly developed my own gifts as a coach and a healer, and I’ve learned to live my purpose authentically.

The gifts and blessings did not come easily, however. It was incredibly difficult. Even with my 15 years of training in mental health and various healing modalities, and all the experience I have helping clients through their own challenges, seeing my daughter through cancer twice was almost too much for me.

Relapse treatment was at least twice as intense as her initial treatment protocol 5 years earlier. For the first two years, every single day was hard. There was so much to do and manage. I watched both my children being traumatized and tried to do everything I could to limit their wounding and hold them through it. My heart broke. My body suffered. The details of life fell through the cracks all around me. I lost touch with friends and saw important connections fade. Everything I’d done to build my life coaching practice sat on the shelf gathering dust. The stress and fear consumed me and at times, I wondered if my sanity would survive intact.

When I was living in the hospital, I took it one day at a time, counting down the weeks of her treatment. I think a part of me thought that there was a point coming when we’d suddenly break through the tape, celebrate our victory, and get to collapse with relief back into “normal” life. I thought that when she finished her hospitalizations, or when she got to Maintenance, or when she went back to school, or when she finished her treatment…then everything would be ok again. I needed to believe that, and each milestone was indeed a victory to be celebrated. But each one was also followed by new challenges that had to be faced, and that ultimate relief I craved never seemed to come. In fact, in some ways as the kids got better, I got worse.

It seems that we had to take turns healing. Once Brooke made it through the toughest parts of her treatment and was back in school feeling good, Aidan was able to make more significant progress in his recovery. And once he got more stable, it was my turn to collapse. The more healing and balance I saw in my kids, the more my mama bear survival mode subsided. Although I felt relieved to let down the vigilance, I was surprised to discover how much all that survival energy had cost me. After two straight years of filling my blood stream with the adrenaline and cortisol it took to show up the way I did, my adrenals collapsed. I went through months of debilitating fatigue, brain fog, joint pain, back pain, digestive issues, and sleep troubles. And my psyche cracked too. All the difficult emotions that I didn’t have space to fully feel while we were in the trenches came in crushing, unrelenting waves that often felt like they would engulf me forever. I had bouts of grief, depression, rage, overwhelming anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, even glimpses of agoraphobia, and other PTSD symptoms.

And life didn’t stop just because I needed to heal. I still had to get up every day and take care of things. Make meals, do the dishes, the laundry, the shopping, the housework. Get the kids to and from school and doctor appointments, parent them, support them in getting caught up academically, and help them continue to heal and adjust to post-cancer life. I had to rebuild friendships and connections, re-ignite my coaching practice, and keep making ends meet. All while trying to restore my health and pick up the scattered pieces of my life, my home, and my psyche and rebuild them in some way that felt right.

I knew I could do it though. I knew I hadn’t come through all that to fall apart on the other side. I knew how to follow and support the natural healing process that was occurring within me. And I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Despite my meager and dwindling savings, I enlisted the support of several powerful healers. Week after week these healers helped me to give my body, my heart, and my mind what they needed to heal and align with my spirit. Day by day, I used my tools and practices to find balance and connect with the part of myself that is unscathed by these challenges, is always at peace, and always feels supported and safe. I loved myself through the waves of fear, sadness, and anger until I could come back to the joy that is right in front of me and all around me in my present moment. Right there alongside the dishes and the laundry and the bills.

Rising from the ashes is a challenging, painful, and ongoing process. Much slower and more gradual than I had imagined during sleepless nights on a stiff cot in a hospital room when I was dreaming of the finish line. Honoring my healing has been more like gradually emerging from a thick, heavy fog than running through the tape. Day by day, week by week, with frequent stumbling and setbacks. And it doesn’t ever really end. But it does keep getting better. My body is strong and balanced again, and the waves of difficult emotion are less frequent and don’t knock me down as often anymore. My days are filled with more ease and joy every month. I feel energized and inspired. I’m clear on what my next steps are and I feel empowered to take them.

There was so much about this entire journey that I wanted to share. So many deep experiences that have changed me forever. So many huge gifts, insights, and spiritual shifts. But I was too busy getting through it to write about it as much as I wanted to, or even to talk about it much. So much is still inside me, waiting to be expressed and shared. I am trying to trust the unfolding.

And a huge thank you to all my friends and family who were there for us through these challenging years. I am forever grateful for your love and support.

Coming back to the world and plugging in again in these times is interesting. I know that the best thing I can do in response to all the upsetting news I read is to embody love and hope and thoughts that feel good so that I can spread love and hope in all I do. But how do I find good feeling thoughts from here?

This is what I’ve come up with. The most positive story that I can tell myself about the state of things:

America is not well. As a nation, we are diseased. Thanks to the prevalence of smart phones, we now have better awareness of this than ever before. The hate and violence aren’t new, but the fact that everyone has video cameras in their pocket that broadcast out to the whole world in real time is new. So that’s a good thing! Diseases are much easier to treat once they’ve been thoroughly detected and examined.

I’m also glad that we are all affected so much by what we’re seeing. That even though violence keeps happening, we’re not getting desensitized, shrugging it off, or giving up. From what I can see and hear, we really care! We’re only becoming more and more clear and vocal that we do not want ANYONE to feel afraid to be who they are. We’re simply not going to stand for it.

This week there were millions and millions of peaceful interactions between Americans. So many times where people, no matter their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, views on gun control, or whether or not they work in law enforcement, interacted with each other without any violence at all. If you zoom out from the headlines and look at our country as a whole, there is so, so, soooooo much more light than darkness. So many people are living in peaceful corporation with each other in every single town. In fact it’s because we have such a widespread culture of peace and love and respect overall that we find these incidences of violence so upsetting and intolerable.

And still, we are very clear that this is not good enough. We want ALL people to experience the peace, love, respect, and justice they deserve. No exceptions. And that’s what this is really about. The reason the bad news is everywhere this week is because we will not tolerate it. We can’t stop talking about it. We want better.

And it is getting better. The people who are destined to heal us from the diseases of hate and fear that lead to violence, are right now being inspired to follow that destiny. And the leaders who will help us organize the healing, are also being called forward. It’s already happening, right now. We are healing…and all this chaos is evidence of that.

So yeah, I’m outraged too. But I’m determined to find ways to feel good and hopeful. Because it’s the only way I know now.

When I think of it this way, I feel better in my body and my heart. And that makes it a lot easier to be peaceful and loving in all my interactions. It also makes it easier to hear my own inspirations and the ways that I’m called to bring light to the world, and it gives me more energy to follow those inspirations. Which is good, because I can’t make much progress when I’m laying around depressed about how bad things are. Or when I’m burning up all my energy on outrage.

What we focus on expands. Let’s focus on love and hope and peace. Find a way to feel it in your heart, right now. Keep coming back to it no matter what happens.

Let’s love each other through this.

Tuesday was Brooke’s last appointment at the Outpatiant Infusion Center where we have spent so much time over the last 2.5 years. (Not to mention the 2.25 years when she was younger!)

It was an exciting day, full of lots of happy, tearful goodbyes to the amazing doctors and nurses that have seen us through all this, followed by a mega celebration!! Brooke wanted it to be just the 3 of us at home, so that’s what we did! With a movie, two kinds of pizza, a papa john’s brookie, ice cream, a dance party, party hats, noise makers, decorations, confetti, and glow sticks!!! Yeeeehaw!!

I am so proud of my girl! And my boy!! And myself!!! We did it!!!!

Today marks the completion of Brooke’s 106th and final week of treatment since her leukemia relapse in September, 2013. She did 56 weeks of high dose chemo followed by 50 weeks of maintenance doses, including one week of radiation treatments. It took 28 months to get through it all because her team would pause her treatment periodically to give her body a break. And now, here we are at the finish line!

Next week Brooke has her final appointment at the CHOC outpatient clinic for her last lumbar puncture and bone marrow aspiration, which feels more like the real finish line to her. We had a small celebration today, we’ll have a bigger one next Tuesday after her procedures, and then next weekend we get to celebrate with my parents and other family and friends in Sacramento! I figure we’ll celebrate this as many times as we can!

Brooke is doing great. Really incredibly well – physically, psychologically, socially, even academically. She’s still skipping through life and everything it throws at her, focusing on the positive, following her bliss, and speaking her mind. She doesn’t even seem relieved by this end, since she took her treatment in stride all along anyway. And yet she is more than ready to celebrate anyway, and happy to be done with all the frequent appointments!

Aidan is doing great too. Still loving and supporting us both, and continuing to recover and heal from all the fear and trauma he endured during Brooke’s treatment. He’s actually enjoying school now (), has tons of friends, is bursting with imaginative ideas and impressive creations, and impresses me daily with his understanding of the world and the universe. He’s quietly pleased with this milestone, and very proud of his sister for defeating cancer again!

As for me, I’m really feeling this day. It’s a whole mixture of gratitude, grief, painful memories, amazing triumphs, deep gifts, and huge relief. There’s even a part of me that feels some bittersweetness in being done. It’s not like it was fun…but it was important and I was good at it! I felt like I was really aligned with my purpose. And there were many deeply rewarding moments. It was also really hard and there were lots of moments when I felt like it was going to crush me…even though I knew it wouldn’t. It has been an intense journey.

Deep thanks to everyone who was there for us, who supported us, and cheered for us. We will pay it forward.

I introduced my kids to the Back to the Future trilogy about 18 months ago, and they loved it! I’ve lost count of how many times Brooke and I watched the movies in the hospital.

So today, in honor of Back to the Future Day, we had a marathon and watched all 3 movies! And between the 1st and 2nd films, we took a field trip into our past. We went to Rancho Santa Margarita, where we used to live 4 years ago before we moved to Long Beach, and walked by our old house, went to the playground we used to walk to, the library where we went for story time, and swam in the swimming pool where we used to swim. Aidan remembered pretty much everything. Brooke remembered very little. She was only 3 when we left. It was such a fun day and my kids pretended that we were actually back in time and that our mini van has a flux capacitor! And they kept remarking on the fact that today is the only Back to the Future Day there will ever be! “The only time in human history!”

Although now that there’s another film slated for 2017, which will probably try to predict life in 2047, we’re beginning to plan our blow out party for that day! I’ll be 69, Aidan will be 42, and Brooke will be 40. Hopefully any grandkids will be into it too!

This little firecracker is 8 years old today!! She just gets more wonderful as time goes by. I feel so incredibly privileged to be her mother!

Before she could even talk, this little pixie showed me that it’s possible to smile every day, no matter what. And she’s still doing it! Her unsinkable spirit has brought her to victory over leukemia not once, but twice! (First in her blood; then in her nervous system!) She’s smiled her way through a total of 4.5 YEARS of chemotherapy treatments, out of her 8 years of life, with very few complications and virtually no long-term side effects! Today she is balanced and healthy and thriving with only 3 months of maintenance chemo left, and no sign of cancer anywhere!

She truly inspires me and lifts me up. Despite the challenges we’ve faced, it has been an absolute honor to have a front row seat to her magical approach to life over the past 8 years! I cannot wait to see what else she is inspired to take on in her life!!

Happy birthday my sweet Brooke. You are my inspiration, my angel, my teacher, and my favorite little girl in the whole wide world! May the next year of your life bring you as much joy as you bring to life, and to so many around you.

First day of school today for us. After having a lot of troubles with his teachers and schools over the past two years, Aidan was really dreading going back today. But he ended up having such a GREAT day!! He loves his new teacher and had a good impression of the new principal too, and both kids loved that their classrooms are only two doors apart. Aidan reported feeling much better than he expected and his relief was palpable! He said “it just feels like a nice fresh start” and was literally skipping around and singing all afternoon and evening. I am SO grateful we are off on the right foot!! And I’m really proud of Aidan that he could allow for a positive experience today, after all the difficulties he’s faced at school.

Brooke, of course, made it all look easy, despite the fact that she’s on high levels of steroids and two other chemotherapy drugs this week that take quite a toll on her (extreme fatigue, hunger, and emotional sensitivity). I hovered around campus all day in case she needed to bail out, but she was totally fine. Until we got in the car to come home that is, then it was meltdown city! I think the little pixie was really holding it together for school. She did so great!! She’ll be off this particular chemo cocktail by next week and won’t have to repeat it until November. She also got a great teacher and is in the same class as her good friend that she met in the Spring.

All things considered, this day really couldn’t have gone any better!! Yay!!!

Today was Brooke’s first day back to school! She’s been out for almost 2 years! She is so excited to be back in school and had a great first day!

Brooke completed Kindergarten in Long Beach, but relapsed on the 3rd day of 1st grade in Sep, 2013, and her doctors have kept her out of school since then due to the demands of her treatment and her weakened immunity. She’s been working with home school teachers from the district who have been visiting her an hour a day in the hospital or at home and helping her keep up academically.

Last February we transferred Aidan from the school in Long Beach to a school near his Dad’s house in Anaheim, because of some challenges he was having at his old school. So today Brooke joined him at the new school. She’s coming into 2nd Grade, 6 weeks before the end of the year, at a new school, in a different district. With almost no hair. (Yikes, right!?)

Brooke has been VERY excited about going back to school and having friends she sees every day again. She’s been counting down the days! Yesterday we came in and met the class, and Brooke’s favorite Child Life specialist from CHOC came in to talk to the class about leukemia and chemo and CHOC and why Brooke is nearly bald and always needs sunglasses outside. The class was very sweet and each of them had made welcome cards for Brooke. 5 or 6 of the kids said in their cards that they were hoping Brooke could be their new BFF. When we left after the presentation yesterday, Brooke told me she really liked the class and said “by the end I was feeling so un-shy I was almost ready to talk to them!”

I was in the classroom with her today and will be for a couple days, helping her get used to classroom procedures, etc. And today was terrific! Kids swarmed around her at recess introducing themselves and saying they liked her dress and sunglasses and asking her about her favorite TV shows. One little girl in her glass even brought her flowers to welcome her. It was all a little overwhelming for Brooke and she didn’t talk to the kids much yet – just communicated with smiles and nods. She loved it all though and is happy to be so well received.

This is a huge transition for her and I’ve been a little nervous about it, but Brooke’s been looking forward to it, and knowing her, she will dance through this like she does everything else. She is just so ready to be a “normal” kid again. I’m so proud of this amazing little Pixie!

Home sweet hospital room. We are back at CHOC for a little unexpected visit. Brooke got admitted on Tuesday when she showed up for a clinic visit with a fever. All her blood counts were quite low and they discovered she has an ear & sinus infection, plus she was having a lot of pain in her feet – apparently a not-uncommon side effect of the Methotrexate she’s been taking. On Tuesday she couldn’t walk, eat, or stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time, but after some fluids, blood transfusions, and antibiotics, she woke up yesterday feeling great! Her feet are still a little tender, but she can walk again. So now we’re just hanging out here until she convinces them that she’s ok to go home. Her oncologist told me she’d probably release her tomorrow.

Aidan was a good sport about getting sent to his Dad’s early and Brooke’s spirits have been great, as usual. My own psyche is having some difficulty being back here, but I just keep reminding myself that it’s only for a few days. Hoping that Maintenance gets a little easier soon!