Today we’re moving the last of our stuff out of the apartment that has been my home for the past 8.5 years and beginning our adventure in temporary homelessness.

We have not yet been able to find a campground, yard, or driveway that could hold the trailer we’ve borrowed, so it’s still in storage in Joshua Tree. Richard and I will mostly be living out of our van for now. We can go stay with his grandma in Morrow Bay some of the time, but that’s 5 hours from our kids, their schools, my lawyer, the court, and my job so if it’s going to be our long-term solution, some big things will need to shift.

Nadia and Brooke will be staying some extra time with their Dad until we find a place to stay or camp. Of course they don’t love this, but they’re being great about it. I am hoping we can at least find somewhere to stay overnight a couple times per month, even if it’s in a tent, so that I can still have them every other weekend until we sort out a long term solution. I miss them already.

I’m still calling in the income and housing combo that allows us to rebuild our home in a healthier building and circumstance. Can’t wait to see how it manifests!

There have been a lot of tough feelings to move through this week. This is not easy. But it does feel good to be letting go of several toxic dynamics at once, so I’m trying to focus on that.

I’m grateful for the memories this home has held. I’m grateful to have this opportunity to experience life with less priviledge as it is already deepening my understanding of priviledge and my compassion for marginalized people. And I’m excited to see what happens next.

We had so much fun marching in the Long Beach Pride Parade yesterday! My girls have been watching the parade for the past few years and loved getting to march this year. It felt great to celebrate Nadia’s courageous transition over the past year and the fact that she is now out and expressing as her true self in both homes and at school! She feels accepted and supported by those around her and she says she is happier than she has ever been!! She was deeply moved by the vast crowds of people cheering on the LQBTQ community yesterday. I love this city!! 

I’m so incredibly proud of and inspired by my sweet girl. Yesterday she announced to her 8th grade class that she is transgender and asked everyone to start using her chosen name, Nadia. She had tons of support from her teachers and she said most of her classmates responded really well! She went in nervous but came home smiling and said it was amazing to have everyone using her real name.

There was one kid who shot some really awful side comments at her, but she didn’t seem too affected by it. She told me she’s heard him use the n-word in the past, so she was expecting hate from him. She’s really good about not taking people’s hate and ignorance personally. She focused mostly on the support and love she got.

In other good news, her Dad has really turned around and is being much more supportive now. Nadia just kept telling him what she needs until he heard her. And I think the CPS call got his attention. Now he’s using her name and pronouns and seems to have stopped trying to talk or coerce her out of being who she is.

She’s spreading light and love everywhere she goes, just by being herself. I’m so lucky to be her mom.

Please send love to my daughters and I this week if you can!

Things have been a bit dramatic lately. Nadia has been really struggling at her Dad’s house. He’s been having a very hard time accepting and supporting Nadia’s recent shift in identity. From what she tells me, she has had multiple yelling matches with him, trying to get through to him about how she feels and what she needs. Since he is not only transphobic but also a bullying narcissist, he has said some terrible things to her about how he doesn’t believe her, that he knows this is a scheme that I put her up to, and all the reasons why he’s so sure she’s not really a girl. Some of his words hurt her so badly she has nightmares about them even when she’s at my house. She has also had many thoughts of hurting herself. In the last several weeks Nadia has made some minor progress in getting through to her Dad, but it’s just not enough. He sometimes tells her he supports her, and has even been trying out her new name sometimes. But then he also told her that she has to hide her identity from her 11-yr old step sister because he and his wife don’t feel like she is old enough to understand. This means that they expect Nadia to wear boy clothes and go by Aidan and male pronouns when she’s at his house. They also expect Brooke (also 11) to call her Aidan if their step sister is around, even though she’s used to calling her Nadia. The whole thing is very painful for Nadia, who is dealing with lots of gender dysphoria as it is. And Brooke feels stuck in the middle of it all.

Last week Nadia’s school principal called Child Protective Services on her Dad because they found a test where Nadia had written “PLEASE HELP ME. IF I DON’T GET AWAY FROM MY DAD, I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF”. The principal has had some of her own dramatic dealings with Dad in the past, and knows some of Nadia’s struggles, so she took it quite seriously. CPS sent the police to my home (since it was my custody week) to do a safety check on Nadia. She told them that she’s fine now, she only feels suicidal when she’s at her Dad’s. She told them she doesn’t want to go back there. They told us they cant override a custody order unless there is imminent danger. I talked to CPS and they told me that nothing that the school or I reported to them constitutes child abuse, so there’s nothing they can do. They advised me to go back to family court.

And all the while he sends me relentless messages about how all of this is my fault and accuses me of all kinds of crazy things. His grasp on reality, his obsession with control, and his respect for other people, including his own children, is similar to that of other people with NPD (i.e our current president). There’s really no way to reason with him on anything.

So yesterday I had to send my girls reluctantly back to their Dad’s for another week with him.

And now I have to get ready to go to court again where he’ll have lawyers who help him tell his lies and it’s up to me to get the court to hear what the kids are actually saying. Uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhh.

Just trying to trust. Could use some good juju.

I have some big news to share and I feel a bit vulnerable about going public with it, but here goes.

There’s been a big transformation in my family over the past several months. In October, my 13 year old came out as transgender. I had always known her as my son Aidan and I had never had an inkling that she might not actually be male, so this was a complete surprise to me. Though my head was spinning when I received this news, I told my child that I was proud of her for exploring her truth, that I would always love and accept her as who she is.

That was over five months ago now and so much has changed. I have watched in awe as my son Aidan transformed into my daughter Nadia. At first, she was just questioning her gender. This wasn’t something she had known or suspected about herself until about a year ago when she was learning about the transgender phenomena and she started to notice she had some of the common traits. It helped her look at herself in a new light and understand aspects of herself she had long been struggling with. After she came out to me and her Dad as questioning, she started trying out a feminine identity. The effect was mind-blowing! Suddenly, this child who has struggled so mightily to find peace in this life, became joyful, self-assured, empowered, and much more at peace in the world. She wakes up smiling, she goes to school smiling, and comes home smiling. Suddenly she understands herself in a new way and she’s no longer feels afraid to be who she is. Her courage, clarity, authenticity, and vulnerability are truly inspiring.

I feel blessed to be her mom and honored that she feels safe enough to share this transformation with me. I am also grateful for the support and validation she has been receiving from her sister, her grandparents, her aunt, her cousin, her school, my partner and his kids, many great friends, and our community in Long Beach. Nadia is here to bring light to the world in a big way and I will do everything I can to support and protect her.Please join me in celebrating this beautiful child as she blossoms into who she really is! She hasn’t wanted me to take a lot of pictures yet, but I like this one. 

Boy these are stressful times. Is it just me?

I’m still looking for work. (It’s super fun applying for minimum wage jobs at 40, btw). I had an interview last week for a residential counseling job that I really want and I feel like it went really well! I haven’t heard from them yet, but I’m hoping I will. (Help me visualize it please!)

My kids’ dad decided to decrease his child support payment without warning so things are tighter than ever. He thinks he’s in his rights to do so but I don’t think the court will agree. Still, it’s likely to take months to get through that process and I still have to make ends meet until then.

I’m still accepting clients but my practice really seems to want to hibernate right now. I love working with clients and I have been honored to support some amazing people through huge expansions through our work together over the past 6 years, so I know that I will continue to do sessions. Marketing is still a challenge for me though, so it may be a while until I can depend solely on my practice to support me.

I’ve registered with some stop-gap options like Postmates, Care.com, and Freelancer.com so hopefully some solutions are in the works. I’m also open to gigs and odd jobs in Long Beach. Hit me up if you have anything you need help with – child care, editing, spreadsheets, databases, home/office organization, filing, purging, housework, cleaning, or whatever. (Just no sales!)

I’m visualizing ease and abundance. I know that ultimately we are safe and supported and that we’ll get through this to safer waters. (Hopefully soon!)

And still, it’s scary. And somewhat demoralizing. So I’m holding myself through those feelings.

If these past months or weeks have been a rocky ride for you too, I’m sending you love. 2018 is no joke folks.

Whoo Hoo!! Thank you for all the affirmations, support, and magic! Huge shifts are happening in my world. I think I’m almost out of this particular storm.

Aidan’s situation at middle school was reaching a breaking point and finally his Dad has agreed to transfer him to an alternative charter school in Santa Ana! I have been trying to talk him into an alternative education for years!! I feel really good about the program  I found for Aidan and he’s actually excited about it too! Between his trauma wounds, his sound sensitivity, and his personality…he’s just not designed for the traditional approach to education.

And then my family court date was magically moved up to yesterday and things almost couldn’t have gone better. The judge we got is awesome – heart centered and clear. She was not interested in Nick’s silly accusations. She didn’t care about my cannabis use, even though the court investigators made a big deal about it in their report. She ordered no changes to custody. She said incredibly nice things about Aidan and endorsed the school I chose for him to transfer to. And she’s ordered both Nick and I to work with the kids’ therapists on how to help them heal, to seek individual therapy ourselves, and to take parenting classes through the court. I’m hoping that might help him start to find a better way to relate to the kids. Also, the judge waived the $1500 investigation fee for me and encouraged me to submit the forms to have child support re-assessed.

I feel transformed. Freed from a weight that’s been there so long I forgot I was carrying it. I’m not alone with his insanity anymore. He has nothing left to threaten me with. I can finally really advocate for my kids and get them what they need to fully heal and be joyful.

I still need to find a job, but I’ve been applying to lots and I have a feeling that is going to work out soon too!

It’s a whole new world. These last two months have been one of the hardest times I’ve gone through. Thank you for your support in shifting this. It’s huge for me!

And the hits just keep coming. 2018 is giving me lots of opportunities to practice staying connected to my truth and remember that I’m safe and loved, no matter what.

In the last 6 weeks, I’ve been dragged into family court for a sudden custody battle (still ongoing) for which I’m representing myself, I’ve received bills for court fees I still can’t pay, my case load for my healing practice dropped to zero so I have no income other than the meager child support I get, Brooke sprained her ankle and couldn’t walk for a week, Aidan is still struggling mightily with depression and PTSD, he got suspended from school for 5 days, and we’ve been advised to find an independent study program to move him to. So now I’m having to negotiate education options with the same crazy man I’m still defending myself against in court. And yesterday I lost my food stamps due to some administrative crap that’s going to take several weeks to correct, another big hit to my budget.

It’s been quite a challenge to navigate the fears, triggers, logistics, and overwhelm of all this. The scariest part is the money – I’m simply not bringing in enough to pay the bills and I already blew all my savings and credit while Brooke was sick. I know something will work out, because it always does, but the not knowing is sometimes terrifying. There’s also been a fair amount of judgement and unsolicited advice about my circumstances to contend with, which makes it harder to share and ask for support

I’m sure my spirit knows what she’s doing and there will be some great gifts to come from all of this. Even if it’s only to remember that I can get through anything!

I know I have a lot of magical friends out there. If inspired, please take a moment to send us love and prayers for peace, ease, and abundance! Help me call in a job or work I can do that fits into our lives logistically and pays enough to make ends meet!

I’ve been brought to my knees more than once in the last couple months – overwhelmed with the fear, anger, sadness, or self-doubt. I’ve beat myself up with thoughts and questions about what I’m doing wrong and why am I still manifesting such difficult challenges! But the fact is, it’s just life. And there are so many people in our country and in the world facing so much worse. And it’s not their fault either.I’m so grateful that I’m not alone with my challenges. I have a supportive, loving mom who’s always there for me and always believes in me. Magical friends who remind me who I am and how to return to my truth on hard days. And an incredibly wise, unwavering partner who’s here at my side, every single day, picking me up when I feel like I can’t go on, holding me when I need to cry, cheering me on when I spring into action, reminding my kids and I to laugh, contributing every spare cent he has, and loving me through all of it. This is the partner and partnership I’ve been waiting for and I know that together, we will get through this and build an easier, happy life for us and all four of our kids. 

Update and request for help!

Thank you to everyone who sent love, prayers, and support for my debut appearance in family court on Wednesday. It’s always been one of my worst fears, and facing it was really scary. Once I actually got there though, it wasn’t nearly as intimidating as it has been in my imagination. The process is far from over, but I’m feeling much better about it now. Thankfully we got a very reasonable, heart-centered judge. She denied the emergency request to take the kids away pending the hearing and she already dismissed some of the biggest accusations he’s making against me.

The kids’ Dad submitted a 3.5-inch stack of “evidence” to illustrate what an irresponsible mother I am. We didn’t get into it too much yet, but most of is pretty ridiculous. The judge is concerned about Aidan’s well being and said she wasn’t interested in the blame game until she understood why he’s in so much pain. She ordered a partial custody investigation which begins next week. Court social workers (not CPS) will be interviewing me, their Dad, our partners, the kids, and the kid’s teachers, doctors, and therapists. They’ll also conduct home visits. Then they’ll make a report to the judge and we’ll proceed from there. The next hearing is set for April.

I feel really good about how things are going so far and I’m much less scared of losing custody. However, the irrational, aggressive approach that their Dad is taking is pretty confounding and kinda scary, and I am seeing its effects on the kids too. At this point I’m actually feeling grateful that we’re in court. I honestly don’t know how to work with this man on anything when all he cares about is being right and being in control. I’m hopeful that the court will be able to help with that.

It’s an expensive process though and fees are already piling up. I need legal support. Thank you to everyone who has donated to my fundraiser already!!

It was four years ago today, September 9th, that we found out Brooke’s cancer had returned for a second round. (Round One began 8.5 years ago, in Feb, 2009.) What a crazy ride it’s been.

Now she’s completely healthy and back to the business of being an almost-ten-year-old. She blends right in with the other girls with her ponytail and her detailed knowledge of the latest Disney Channel shows….but I see her special magic. I know what she did. I watched her turn dark into light right in front of me, starting before she could even talk in full sentences! Over and over again day after day she found reasons to smile and ways to bring fun to everything. Beating cancer with her was kind of a blast, even though it was super tough too.

It’s amazing what we’re capable of when we believe in magic.